


AI: The Testicle Files

by robotortoise



Category: AI: The Somnium Files (Video Game)
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Artificial Testicle, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:55:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26507827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotortoise/pseuds/robotortoise
Summary: This is an alternate universe where Kaname Date's left eyeball is made of flesh and Aiba is an artificial testicle.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 13





	AI: The Testicle Files

**BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.**

Date opened his eyes slowly, the light flowing in from the window streaming directly onto his face. Covering his eyes with a hand, Date groaned and flicked the switch on the alarm clock.

 _Date_ , said a feminine voice. _I’m running low on power. Please charge me._

That was odd… Date didn’t remember sleeping with anyone last night. He turned to his right. No one was there. To the left was fabric.

Right, he slept on a couch.

_Date, I’m serious. Charge me or else I’ll run out of power!_

“Who…?” Date rubbed his two fleshy, human eyeballs. “Who are you?”

The female voice sighed, as if it had done this song and dance many times before. _Date, please get up in the next thirty seconds or else I will drain my energy reserve to shock you._

Date moved to lie back down.

_I’m in your scrotum. I can shock your balls and make this very painful for you._

Date zipped up, gasping. “Aiba, no! Don’t!” 

Suddenly, Date remembered – he’d fallen asleep early last night and had forgotten to charge Aiba, the artificial intelligence he had inside his ball sack. He sighed, lightly tapping his scrotum playfully. “Couldn’t you have just asked?”

 _What, you don’t think I did?_ asked Aiba, annoyed. _I’ve been trying to rouse you all night! My speaker is dampened because I am located inside your sack, so I couldn’t do anything other than yell at you through our mental link. Unless you **want** me to deliver an electric shock, of course. I think that I still have enough energy for one extra zap, if you need help waking-_

“No, no!” said Date, shaking his head rapidly. “I’m up, I’m up! Jeez! Just don’t zap hurt my testicle! Please!”

 _Are you feeling all right?_ asked Aiba. _You can talk to me through the mental link installed in your vas deferens, remember?_

 _Oh,_ replied Date. _I was half-asleep. Thanks, Aiba._

 _Of course. Now, can you please charge me? I’m feeling…_ Aiba yawned. _…rather sleepy._

 _Right!_ said Date. He ran to the bathroom, closed the door, and then pulled his pants down. He sat down on the toilet and pressed the button for the bidet, twisting the setting nozzle from “wash” to “nozzle cleaning”. On most bidets, this would simply clean the plastic sprayer portion of the bidet. However, this was a special bidet that his company’s scientist, Pewter, had installed on his toilet, The special Pewter-manufactured bidet, when set to the “nozzle cleaning” setting, secretly sent Qi wireless charging power to anything hanging below the seat. In Date’s case, this was Aiba.

Date had tried to charge his phone through the bidet’s Qi charger once, just to see if he could. He ended up dropping the phone in the water before he got any conclusive results.

 _Aiba,_ Pewter had said, was a shorted form of the phrase “Artificial Intelligence Ballsack.” He’d said this while smirking, so Date hadn’t been sure if this was actually true or just Pewter being strange. Regardless, Pewter had managed to convince Date that having his missing testicle replaced with an artificial intelligence would absolutely be worth it.

_“With this testicle technology, you could do incredible mathematics on the fly!” Pewter had said. “You could play any music you wanted, wherever you wanted! And best of all, everything inside or outside your body is recorded and logged, and it’s all thanks to the Wadjizz system!”_

Date just wished Petwer had warned him how _slow_ it was to charge Aiba. He had to sit for an hour on his toilet, or with a Qi wireless charger propped against his testicles (for use portably and when driving).

 _So,_ said Date. _Got any plans?_

 _No, Date,_ said Aiba remorsefully. _I’m inside you. I can’t have any plans._

Date sighed. _I was just trying to be polite._

Suddenly, Aiba started vibrating. This rattled Date so much that he rammed his head on the back of the toilet.

“FUCK!” Date cried, wincing and biting his lip. “AIBA!”

_You have one incoming call from: BOSS._

“Just… I don’t know!” Date grit his teeth. “Answer it or send it to voicemail or something! Can’t you warn me next time?”

Boss’s voice was projected from Date’s ball sack. “Date, can you hear me?”

“Yes, Boss,” said Date, grimacing and rubbing his head. “Sorry, hit my head on the toilet. What’s up?”

“Sorry, wouldn’t have called you if it wasn’t an emergency. There’s been a dead body reported at Bloom Park, over in the Kabasaki District. It was found draped over a horse on the merry-go-found.”

“Well, that’s just terrifying.”

“I’m afraid it gets worse. Date, are you sitting down?”

Date frowned. This couldn’t be good. “Yep, still charging Aiba. Go on.”

“The body is of… Shoko Nadami.”

“This is a joke, right?” asked Date quietly.

“I’m afraid not. And the victim’s left ovary has been removed from her body.”

Date’s heart began to beat rapidly.

Why did this all sound so familiar? Almost like he’d experienced this before…

**Ai: The Testicle Files. Coming this November to PC, PlayStation 4, and Nintendo Switch.**

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea of "Aiba is a testicle instead of an eyeball", and so I couldn't NOT write a joke fanfiction out of it.
> 
> Don't worry -- I hate this fic, too.


End file.
